


Growth Spurt

by Vinceroony



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Humor, Like literally he's a baby, Zim is a baby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-14 02:01:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9152608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinceroony/pseuds/Vinceroony
Summary: Zim awakens, his limbs aching. Fearing a disease, he has his computer scan him, only to discover a horrible mistake.(Some of the logic I have gotten from this fanfiction https://m.fanfiction.net/s/4018157/5/ by ckret2, I highly recommend reading this one!)





	1. Update Required

       Zim opened his eyes wearily as he peered around his base. His eyes quickly took in the air, slowly releasing Zim's head from post-nap grogginess. Zim could have sworn he had only blinked, but the time marked on the monitors said otherwise.

       “What? Again?!” Zim shouted, “That's the fifth time this week!”

       To Irkens, sleep is an unnecessary luxury for those who aren't smeets. An Irken's only use for sleep was to stimulate growth, not energy. Calories from food gave them what they needed in that sense. Needless to say, Zim's new tendency to nap periodically was particularly strange. After all, Zim is a full grown Irken, and an invader at that. Invaders never rest!

       “Computer! Run a diagnostic on my body!” Zim demanded, “I can't let this persistent napping get in the way of my mission!”

       “Ugh, fine,” the computer groaned. After a quick scan the results were calculated and shown on the monitors.

 

 **DNA:** Irken

 **Subject:** Zim

 **Life Stage:** Smeet, Phase 2

 **Height:** -12 Units.

 **Vitals:** Normal.

 

       “A smeet?!” Zim shrieked, “How dare you call the mighty **Zim** a smeet!”

       “Hey, it's not my fault!” the computer shouted, “My systems probably processed that because of your height! I mean seriously, you're in the negatives!”

       “That's impossible, how could I be a negative height?” he said shaking his head, “Your systems probably just need an update! Contact the Tallests so I can request this update!”

       The computer groaned, but complied. After about fifteen minutes of a busy signal, both of the Tallests appeared on the monitor. Tallest Red narrowing his eyes impatiently while Tallest Purple sipped a cup of Irken soda.

       “Another mission update, I take it?” Tallest Red sighed.

       “No, but my mission could be in jeopardy!” Zim shouted, either not noticing or ignoring Tallest Purple's snickering, “My computer is making incorrect analyses! It thinks I'm a negative height, _and_ that I, the mighty **Zim** , am a _smeet!_ ”

       The Almighty Tallests were barely keeping it in when Zim had mentioned the negative height, but hearing about his computer filing him under smeet sent them roaring into laughter. Zim stood in front of his monitor scratching his head as the two tried to regain composure. A minute went by; then five, then ten. Soon enough, the Almighty Tallests had calmed down mostly.

       “Zim, don't you remember your math teachings?” Tallest Purple said between laughing fits.

       “The height of an Irken is calculated based on the average _adult_ height,” Tallest Red chuckled, “All smeets are in the negatives, so that's likely the cause of the error in the analyses.”

       “I can't have my computer mistaking me for a smeet!” the small invader insisted, “I am 256 years old!”

       This sparked another laughing fit. Instead of keeping Zim on on the line, they redirected him to one of the Massive's computer specialists. An Irken in a cool blue uniform looked calmly at Zim through the monitor, straightening themselves up.

       “Hello, this is Massive Technical Control, how can I help you?” the Irken said flatly.

       “My computer made a critical error in a bio scan,” Zim ranted, “It filed me under smeet status based on my height, the mighty **Zim** is 256 and _well passed_ smeethood!”

       “A bio scan determined this?” the Irken asked, antennae perking up, “I know two probable causes. Either the scanner itself needs it's data card replaced, or there is the chance your PAK has Error 4023.”

       “ **Zim's** PAK has no error!” Zim screamed.

       “I was only saying it as a possibility,” the specialist replied, “Although if you find that replacing the data card does not work, I suggest sending a skin sample to the database to be tested. It isn't much to worry if your PAK does have Error 4023, it is very common.”

       “GIR!” Zim shouted, “Bring me the back up data card!”

 


	2. Error Code 4023

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zim makes a customer service rep cry.

       It had to be the scanner,  _it had to be_. Even after a replacement data card was installed it still reaped the same results. There was no way the mighty  **Zim** or his PAK was responsible. If there were two things Zim knew for sure, it was that he was not a defect and certainly not a smeet. There had to be another answer for this; the lens was cracked, the beam needed tuning, something! However, no matter how many parts he tuned and replaced, the same horrible results showed every time. He just had to call that technical control Irken again, they're supposed to have all the updates and upgrades.

       "Hello, this is Massive Technical Control, how may I-" the Irken said flatly before cutting themself off, "Oh, it's you again. Let me guess, the bio scanner again?"

       " **Yes** , the bio scanner again!" Zim shouted.

       "This is the twelfth time you've called about that, Zim," the tech shook their head and rubbed their temples, "Why can't you even consider the possibility of Error 4023? There's no shame in it, seriously."

       " **Zim** is no defect! How dare you insult me?!"

       "It's the most overlooked defect there is, it's barely even a defect!"

       The next ten minutes consisted of Zim shouting about being slandered by customer service, the tech representative hitting their head off the control panel and eventually their perpetual screaming of how much they hated this job. Five minutes of absolute silence later, the tech representative took a deep breath and pressed a button on the keyboard.

       "Here, just... watch this," they said as a video appeared on Zim's monitor, "If you have any questions about it, please contact literally  **anyone** but me."

       With out another word they signed off. Zim pondered the video for a bit, pressing play once he deemed it safe. The Irken crest appeared on the screen, fading out with goofy music rising. The image of a smeet appeared, waving to the viewer.

       "Ever feel small, like really small?" a friendly voice said, "Don't worry, you're not the only one! Most smeets feel that way in comparison to their superiors!"

       "Zim is not a smeet!!"

       Another smeet appeared next to the first one. Both equal in height, shape, nearly everything. Like they had been copied and pasted.

      "These two are Gook and Siz, smeets just like you!"  the voice continued, "As you can see, they are the same in every way. Except for one difference, but what is that difference? Well, let's explore that!"

       A crudely drawn Irk appeared behind Gook and Siz. Their PAKs dissolved off of them as the commentary continued.

       "Billions of years ago, Irken kind was planet bound. Well before our technology helped us, preserved us, and inevitably became us, our bodies grew much differently."

       Both images turned into newborn smeets with a small pop noise. They looked about the same, just smaller and with diapers and pacifiers crudely drawn over them. The words "Phase 1" appeared above them with an irritatingly loud gleam sound.

       "During their first years of life, smeets are entirely defenseless. They depended entirely on the abilities of adult Irkens. During this phase of life, smeets learn skills such as basic motor control and how to eat without choking to death."

       By this time, Zim began to zone out. He already knew about how terribly pathetic a baby was. However, the video continued. Gook and Siz were suddenly turned back into their phase two selves with another small pop. The words "Phase 2" gleamed overhead of them.

       "When they finally reach a more useful point in their lives, smeets gain the ability to learn combat abilities, among many other great things. Before the invention of the PAK, this phase went by incredibly fast. Within six months on Irk, the smeet's body and mind would rapidly mature. Most learning took place in early adulthood due to the horrific growth pains this caused! So naturally, this was the first thing we changed as a species through completely artificial means."

       The PAKs reappeared on the smeets. The video closed on on Gook's PAK, turning into some sort of x-ray vision.

       "The PAK's first function was to slow the process of puberty. We achieved this through a system of hormone blockers. During the first hormonal changes in the smeet, small doses of these blockers are introduced into the system. The process is repeated every few weeks for the next six years. This effectively slows our body's growth enough for our growing pains to be less intense, but not so much we never grow at all."

       Gook's image stretches out, growing into an adult. Siz however, stays the same size. The small smile that was once on their face turned upside down. Zim lifted one antennae up curiously. This is how he felt among his peers when he himself was a young smeet. Wherever this was going, he was interested now.

      "Now Gook is fully grown, ready to be a functioning member of society! Like an Invader, a fry cook, or maybe even a Tallest! But what about Siz? He hasn't grown one bit, he's puny, and yet the same age as Gook. This can all be explained by one minor error in Siz's PAK, Error 4023! Don't worry, this is often overlooked and surprisingly common. This error is caused by a mistake in the PAK's make. Often when mass produced, not every model can be quality tested. However unlike other errors, this one eventually corrects itself!"

      So that was it. There was no big problem because as always, the mighty  **Zim** can overcome any trial without trying!

      "Error 4023 is simply a mistake in the mechanism that distributes hormone blockers. Instead of releasing them every few weeks, it releases it every week. This stops growth and maturity completely, leaving them a smeet for several years, in some cases for centuries! However, eventually the PAK runs out of hormone blockers. Once that happens, puberty occurs as it would naturally. This may mean six months of unbearable pain, but adulthood will finally be reached."

       Six months, his body was going to hurt for six months. As much as he hated the thought, and he loathed it relentlessly, it made perfect sense. Why he was always so small, why just now he began to be in so much pain, why the bio scan called him a smeet, and why he felt the need to devour as many of those disgusting waffles GIR makes as physically possible. He had to contact the Tallests immediately. If this was true, it  _will_ jeopardize his mission. Invaders can't take a break because their sore, especially not a six month break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit too much talking admittedly, but I was aiming to describe one of those hokey videos they always play in sex ed classes!

**Author's Note:**

> The OC is not the technical support guy, they're coming in later chapters.


End file.
